May 30, 2018 6:57 AM
People with Borderline are considered crazy
Because they react so intensely.
But the reality is that if you’re not lazy
You can love this person immensely.
People with Borderline are full of emotion
And their presence can easily overwhelm.
At times, their behaviors cause quite a commotion
And wreak havoc inside their realm.
But if you are able to look deeper within
To the soul of this person who’s so very alive
You will find that it would be a terrible sin
To not appreciate that she survived.
I will work to abolish the stigma, shame and disgrace
This society places upon BPD’s beautiful face.
May 5, 2018 4:24 PM
We often struggle with recognizing our own anxiety. Sometimes we think we are experiencing fear when we are actually anxious. We often believe that anxiety is helpful and we worry about what life would be like without anxiety. Even worse, we believe that there is no such thing as life without constant worry. We think things like, "I am an anxious person. Anxiety has been part of my life for as long as I can remember! If I don't have anxiety, what would I have? If I'm not anxious, who am I?" In this video, I hope to help you identify when you are anxious vs when you are fearful and why it matters to manage anxiety. I also hope to help you see that anxiety is an anxious liar and while Anxiety may have played an important role in your life for a long time, it is okay to break up with anxiety, even if it is not easy to do so.
Feb 22, 2018 2:28 PM
My brief take on using avoidance in therapy. Avoidance is not always a problem in therapy and even when using it becomes problematic for the client, the client's efforts to protect him/herself should be honored and respected. And sometimes, avoidance is exactly what healing entails!
Jan 3, 2018 12:08 AM
"Fragile" is an adjective that not many of us like to use to describe ourselves. We like to think of ourselves a strong and durable and we are! We have withstood the pressures and injuries in life to be here today so of course we are strong and durable! But aren't we also delicate at times and meant to be handled with tenderness even when we are strong and durable? What if you were only durable and as a result, you were only handled with carelessness? I mean, it's fine! You won't break! What would it be like to honor your fragility and invite the opportunity to be handled with tenderness?
Oct 8, 2017 1:56 PM
In this video, I briefly share how you can eliminate the thoughts in your head that contribute to confusion in your life. Be well.
Sep 29, 2017 3:21 PM
I tell clients to honor their grief and that confuses them.
“Why should I honor my anger, hurt, and my sadness? I want it to go away! I want to stop hurting!”
When you honor your grief, you are honoring the importance of your lost loved one. You are saying, “You matter! Our relationship matters! That you existed matters! That you are physically gone from my life matters!”
Your tears, sobs, and even your laughs in the context of your grief are honorable.
Sep 24, 2017 3:05 PM
Many clients and even therapists believe that if something is therapeutic, it means it feels good. The truth is that sometimes it feels good and other times, it feels shitty. If something is therapeutic, it means that it aids in healing and sometimes that hurts! Have you ever heard of a bone needing to be “rebroken” so it can heal properly? Have you ever had stitches or surgery? Healing fucking hurts!!!
A lot of people think that their loved ones in therapy with me are spending an hour and good money to be complimented, to be told about how right they are and how wrong their loved ones are, or to talk to me while I sit passively nodding my head with smiles and “mm hmm’s.”
Here is a reality check for you. If your loved one is in therapy with me, they have one of the most confrontational and challenging therapists I know. It is true that my clients feel safe in their therapy. Feeling safe is my ultimate concern for my clients. I tell my clients often that while they should always feel safe, they will often feel uncomfortable. I also tell them that if we work together long enough and if they and I are doing our jobs right, I will probably piss them off. My clients hear me say things like,
- What do you need today?
- Your presence matters. Your absence matters. What you do matters. What you say matters. You matter.
- What do you need right now?
- I’m feeling protective of you right now.
- What do you need from me?
- When you allow yourself to show your hurt in here, you help me to understand how hurt you are.
- What do you need? (Are you noticing a pattern here?)
- I hate that you are hurting so much.
- I am pissed that that happened to you.
- Even if you smile or laugh in here, I promise I won’t forget how much you are suffering.
- What is preventing you from getting your needs met?
- Trust in your process, be patient with your timeline, be kind to yourself.
- Can you work to get your needs met in here?
My clients also hear me say things like,
- What gives you the right to tell other people how to feel?
- You don’t get to decide how _____ does life.
- It is none of your business what they are saying about you.
- How do you expect to get your needs met when you haven’t made them clear to anyone?
- ______ is not responsible for your emotions; you are.
- ______ is entitled to his experiences even if you don’t agree with or understand them.
- I am beginning to resent your frequent tardiness to your sessions.
- What are you avoiding?
- What are you doing right now?
- How does what you are saying have anything to do with what I just asked you?
- Talk to me about your anger with me right now.
Despite what stigma has taught society, THERAPY IS NOT FOR THE WEAK! My clients are so strong and brave! When I was leaving the clinic and had my clients meet their new therapists, what I heard my clients say the most to their new therapists were things like, "I need you to call me out on my shit like Nicki does," "Don't let me stay comfortable," "Push me out of my comfort zone like Nicki does." Therapy with me is rough at times. It is often uncomfortable, confrontational, challenging, brutally honest, and incredibly therapeutic.
Sep 5, 2017 10:39 AM
A dear friend of mine is in pain, especially this week, as she grapples with the 19th anniversary of her brother's suicide. As a therapist and also someone who has been a very active EMT for 19 years of my life, I have heard a lot of people contemplate suicide and idealize suicide and I have seen a lot of suicide attempts and some suicide completions. How do I cope with that? I compartmentalize. As an EMT responding to a suicide call, I needed to in order to do the job at hand. As a therapist, I have to compartmentalize JUST ENOUGH to stay focused but not so much that I am unfeeling. While compartmentalization (which is a defense mechanism used to sort of stuff or numb pain) enables us to go about our day without having a melt-down, it also inhibits empathy. It is sometimes hard for me to imagine the enormity of the pain a person must have felt to have decided that suicide is THE answer. It is sometimes hard for me to imagine the amount of pain the survivors of a person who has suicided feels. I thank my friend for putting her pain out there so that I can be reminded of the pain people feel and my responsibilities to my fellow humans!
I had the fortunate opportunity to watch Kevin Hines speak at a conference. He is an amazing man who survived a jump from the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to end his life. He opened his speech up with this: "'How are you? Is there anything you need? Can I help?' If anyone had said any of those things to me, I would not have tried to end my life that day."
As he states in this video, it is okay not to be okay and recovery happens!!! It is NOT okay to NOT ask for someone to back you up. If you are contemplating suicide and someone asks you how you are, even if they are just making small talk, tell them you are not okay and ask them to help you to not end your life today. I know that you don't want to go to the hospital but remember that it is part of the healing process and that you CAN feel better! HOW YOU FEEL TODAY IS NOT HOW YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL EVEN IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT NOW! THIS IS NOT HOW YOUR STORY ENDS should you choose to keep writing it!
Aug 31, 2017 9:37 AM
My hope is that by watching this video and others like it, you have a baseline understanding of what Trauma Therapy (or "Trauma Work") is, why we might decide to do Trauma Work, what we hope happens as a result of the work, and what you might expect during the work if you work with me. I use Ego State therapy with Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy interventions when I work with my clients to address their past experiences and it is important to know that this video only explains how that therapy with ME would look. I do not speak for other therapists although most would agree with the main tenants of the work. I hope you find this helpful!
Aug 31, 2017 9:29 AM
A quick video to help determine if you are acting in a way that is caring for yourself or if you acting in a way that is selfish as this is a frequent topic in therapy. Hope it helps!
May 13, 2017 12:13 PM
People often wonder how I, as a therapist, manage my own feelings that result from therapy sessions with my clients.
May 13, 2017 12:09 PM
When we misuse words, we are less understood and can feel worse about our situations. In this video, I'm giving attention to the use of the word "literally" and how it can literally make is feel worse.
May 13, 2017 12:02 PM
May 12, 2017 4:55 PM